This journal belongs to:
Penelope Henrietta Diggory. It's a mouthful, I know. Talk to my parents about it. But you can call me Penney, Nellie, Lolo, Nelope, Penel, P-shizzle, Nelo, Elo, 'Ennie, anything, really!!!!!! I love weird nicknames. You can even work off of Henrietta if you want ♥♥♥ Please make it like, two syllables or above. One syllable nicknames are dumb.
So, I just bought this journal from the craft store I just got a job at today!!! Well, I did work there for cash, doing crafts with little kids on Saturday mornings throughout freshman year, but now I officially have a job. I'm really excited.
Oh, right, the journal. Well, uh. idk man I guess I just want to have something that people can remember me by if I die young or something. Or if I die old, they can look back and see how ridiculous of a human being I was in my younger and more vulnerable years (gatsby reference, anyone???). Since like, my parents don't really have any spectacular pictures of me where I'm not being bribed to sit still for candy in. Or like, collections of achievments of mine. I actually haven't accomplished anything yet whoops!!!!
• Lilo & Stitch (my lifeblood)
• The Fox and The Hound (crying)
• Bug's Life (dot, man)
• Wreck-It Ralph (Vanellope, man, that's like my stripper name)
• The Lego Movie (so great)
• Brave (wish i could choose my own fate and turn my family into bears)
• Indie everything okay
• acoustic covers of anything (especially creep by radiohead, omg theme song right there)
• classic rock
• no but srsly indie music. guitars. so many guitar
• i play guitar
• Are You My Mother? - P. D. Eastman. Don't judge me please
• A Series Of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket. (hells yeah)
• The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald (idk man)
• Harry Potter series - J. K. Rowling (EXCEPT I DON'T KNOW WHAT HOUSE I WOULD BE IN, LIKE GODDAMN. in a house full of ravenclaws i am unsortable. how am i supposed to buy merch. i don't even)
• Percy Jackson series - Rick Riordan (probably be in hermes cabin knowing me)
• all of them. |
• no really, i don't have a favorite color
• i can sense your disbelief through the pages
• but let me explain to you a thing
• literally all colors are beautiful. green grass? lovely. mud brown? wow earth is great. mustard yellow? yum. even "baby barf" colors are p cool, because like wow how weird would it be to see a baby actually barf that color? babies are great, man. don't be hating on colors. pls
|things to do
• since that was a little vague: baking cute lil cookies, decorating things, making jewelry, diy projects, p much whatever you find on pinterest. if you can buy the supplies at michaels, we're set. yay employee discount
• i also like to play acoustic guitar.
• i think that's it. check back later
• sharpie markers hell yeah (for writing, not for like. getting high. tried that already, wasn't cool)
• journals (like this one and the others i have and write in when i lose it)
• my scrapbooks. i love telling stories through pictures and mementos okay, this journal thing is weird for me.
Mom: Dianna Diggory (nee Dickenson). She runs the marketing and more business-y stuff for Diggs Casino. She double majored in business and marketing, so that totally makes sense. Idk, she's my mom and I love her I guess... but she's a bit of a control freak. Like, she's the biggest control freak out of my entire family, so.
Dad: Donald Diggory. He's like the manager, I guess, He gets all the staff where they need to be and opens and closes and all that jazz. Not as controlling as Mom, but he's kind of rude and gruff.
Eldest sister: Daphne Diggory. She's
going to become a doctor (is a doctor, graduated from Harvard medical school like last year. She works at Mount Sinai Hospital. She's your basic oldest sibling, mother hen, bossy, blah blah blah.
Brother: Dean Diggory. He's a senior at Barrie, and thinks he's the smartest person on earth jesus christ he's so annoying. He's double majoring in physics and chemistry, because why not. U G H.
Sister: Daisy Diggory. She's a junior at Barrie and probably the least awful of my family members. She's sweet under the classic Diggory smartass exterior, and helps me out with homework and stuff instead of dismissing me as stupid and worthless. She's majoring in Biology for Secondary Education.
questions I ask myself on a daily basis
1.) what even is my sexuality????? do i like girls or guys or both or neither or what about genderfluid/genderneutral/pangender people ?????? ugh
2.) what should I believe politically??? do i lean left or right???? probably left but like, maybe right who even knows
3.) why do i have a p- name when the rest of my family has d- names?????
4.) how are people ever certain of themselves??????
Three words to describe you:
Not the TV show, mind you.... I just don't know where I belong. Like, home doesn't feel like home. Baum doesn't feel like home, as much as I love it here. I feel like I'm just wandering about in this world, like I'm not really tied down to anything or anywhere or anyone. It's not just that, either - I will literally lose anything anyone gives me. I'm the least organized person pretty much ever so I'm constantly trying tricks to remember things. Sharpie all over my hands, a binder overfilling with random papers, you name it. I keep extras of anything I would need to carry in my over-the-shoulder bag (which i DO NOT take off at ANY costs). I also am shit at finding physical locations. Don't ask me for directions, please. If you value your life. PLEASE. I've been here two years and I don't even know where everything is at Baum. I'm also never certain of anything, which is pretty annoying, but a great motivator.
I've taken to trying literally everything until I find out what fits and what doesn't. I made a list somewhere of what I have tried, but who even knows where that is, honestly.
But I still don't actually know who I am. oh god, teenager doesn't know who she is, blah blah shut up. I honestly have no idea what I'm doing, or what I'm going to do, and it's frustrating. But I don't take that out on other people. I try to be nice to everybody, and I'm not one to pass judgement. If I don't know who I am, how can I judge someone else for who they are? Yeah, whatevs, just going to keep trying until I find a way.
Don't ask me to choose anything on the spot. "Oh Pen, where do you want to go for dinner?" "Nel, what are you going to major in?" I HATE those questions. I hate choosing things. Okay, I don't hate choosing things, but I just... I don't know how, okay? How do people make decisions????? I don't understand????? I like hanging out with people who know exactly what do do, personally. I actually think my parents are right: I can't function on my own, oh god. I'm not ready for adulthood please send help
I am not blessed with the best social graces. I have no filter and I say things I don't mean, then take it back, then say the same thing, then take it back. Conversations are mostly just me making shit up on the spot, or me taking 5ever to say anything. I don't make conversation with strangers on the metro. I don't chat people up in the grocery line. I barely talk to people my own age at school, unless they talk to me first or it's a VERY pressing issue... Idk man. Im just a fucking weirdo.
Okay uh yeah I'm feeling a backstory coming on. I had a monster energy drink so I am prepared to take this on all night, heLLS YEAH LET'S DO THIS okay
My parents knew I was different since the day they took me home from the hospital. No, not since I was born, they didn't even know me for a little while. I mean, from what I understand, there was like a sickness thing going around the hospital and affecting widdle babies so they took all the widdle babies to make sure they weren't infected.
I was fine, obviously, only thing I'm infected with is RADNESs but yeah shit stay focused. I'm not easily focused jsyk so this could go all over the place. Have your Jesus take your wheel and ride on, brethren. Okay, that was weird. Shit right focusing. Anywaaaaaaaaay
When they took me home from the hospital, my three older siblings were like, totally cool with me. Only time in my life they have been. But yeah, Mom was helping Dad get ready for work at the casino they owned in Atlantic City
(which is totally where we lived btw js), when my 10 year old sister (whoaaaa age gap right?????) noticed that my hair had started growing. Cool, right? Nope, because being a light blonde in a family of dark brunettes is pretty uncool, apparently. From my experience, at least. They knew my mom wasn't unfaithful, though, because they had a paternity test as early as possible because my dad's a bit paranoid about these things.
So what did that spell out? Well, nothing, really. Not yet. My eyes stayed blue, too!!!!! Everyone else has brown/hazel eyes. And I was a lot paler than them, too. But yeah, I looked a little different, but that was about it when I was a helpless dependent lil babe.
When I started actually doing things, however, it was clear that I wasn't doing the same things as my family did. They were all well behaved as children, and almost unaturally clean - whereas I was messy as fuck. Seriously, if I got into anything, there'd be fingerprints all over the wall. That was my form of expression, I guess, since I couldn't talk until I was like 1.5, another difference between me and my siblings. They're naturally gifted, brilliant and hard-working. I did what I wanted and what I wanted was usually not very productive.
Throughout elementary school, it was clear that my work ethic was not going to increase. I was far from unruly, but I was unable to focus on p much anything. The teacher actually suggested my parents get me on medication for ADHD, but they scoffed at the idea of their daughter needing medication for anything. It was just a phase, I would get over it, blah blah blah. I was in third grade at the time. So like, this wasn't going away.
Soon after that, we moved into a bigger, nicer house (my parents top competitor went out of business, so we were making bank), out of the school district we had been in. They were hoping the move would zap me into being hard working and smart like my siblings... but nah, change wouldn't come along that easily (hint: i'm doing an all-nighter just to write my backstory in a journal and i have a test tomorrow, it never happens).
My parents and my siblings made all my decisions for me pretty much. They didn't trust me with practically anything ever. If they caught me doing to most mundane thing on my own, they would freak out and try to scold me or help me do it, as if I was mentally deficient. Nothing against people who are mentally deficient, but I was not under that category.
My IQ was even a little above average, even if it was lower than my family members'. It was fucking annoying.
When I was in 8th grade, Daphne got accepted into Harvard, which was pretty much not at all suprising. She worked hard for that shit. That was one less person in the house to control me. Cool. Then Dean got accepted to Yale. Daisy got into Barrie.
My parents sent me to the same posh boarding school in New York City where my siblings went - Baum Academy. They were academic AND athletic stars here, but luckily people don't assume I'm related to them. I'm just some random blonde Diggory from God knows where, so I'm not in their shadow. Thank GOD ugh that would be so dumb. I really like Baum, and even though it's only my second year here, I hope it lasts for longer than people say high school lasts. But I also don't want it to last that long because that's longer I'm under my parents' care.
fuck i didn't date that last entry
so uh two years later i guess
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THIS JOURNAL, JFC.
well it's my last year at Baum. I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE. uGH my parents are paying for my college so they STILL get to make all the fucking decisions. I KNEW I shouldn't have slacked off uGH. I couldn't get a full ride art scholarship, unfortunately. I got accepted into Barrie somehow so I'm going there in the fall and I just. I'm excited for college, yeah, whatever, but it's just REALLY FRUSTRATING that I couldn't do it on my own. The past two years have been literally the same old shit, mind you, with my family being controlling and awful and making me feel so lost, like I don't know who I am.
Okay, calming down. Explaining things. Phew. So yeah, I just. You know how I said I felt lost? Well, I still haven't found myself. I still go through all these phases and I still can't decide anything and I just don't know what to do, ever. I tried drugs, they were gross as fuck, I didn't get addicted luckily. Parties are cool. Punk is nice. I still have a variety pack closet. I'm just really upset because I'm almost 18 now. I should be able to make choices and know who I am, but I fucking don't and it's just gotten ridiculous.
I'll probably be back to my normal self soon, I'm just really upset right now for some reason.
final straw: i'm looking for someone to get an apartment with after i graduate from Baum. I don't even care if my parents disown me and don't pay for my college, or whatever, since I don't even want to go to college anyway. I want to use the money i've saved up on craft supplies and traveling and things I love to do, and things that help me piece myself together.
so if anyone's looking for a roommate, I'm totally available.
which no one is going to read, because this is my journal???? so maybe a few years too late, if even. whatever. so DONE.